meanestbear

Out of the corner of his eye, Descartes spotted the slightest of movements. He pounced like lightning, but was too late by the fraction of a second. From his crouch, he looked up to see the mousy little tail disappearing into the darkness, and without hesitation, he chased it.

There was a great slam behind him, and he had to pull up abruptly to avoid colliding with an iron door that had slammed down before him. He hissed to himself. He could see now he was trapped. Like a rat. Only he wasn’t a rat, but a cat, which made it somewhat ironic, but probably only if you had a really flexible definition of irony.

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A wise man named Nedroid once said: “Retell the tales of King Arthur, except Excalibur is a gun, and all the swords are guns.” And so it was done.

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So if you’re like everyone else, you’re probably not wondering what George Lucas is up to now. Lucky for you, I’ve managed to stumble upon some scraps from his notebook. Take a look into the mind of genius.

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Chapter 4: Sadistic

They said a carnival would cheer me up, but as I looked at the sno-cone in my hand, all I could think of was my home, Ironforge. Just like this carnival treat, my home was strangely shaped and covered with snow. And it was in danger. Constantly in danger. Not from being eaten by a carefree carnival-goer like this sno-cone, but by many other things. Dragons. Old Gods. Horde invasions. Rust. Inflationary market prices. Communists.
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I have to come clean. After being challenged by brave, vigilant freethinkers to “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE” and being confronted with thought-provoking questions like “HOW do u SLEEP AT NITE when u NO the TRUTH about 911 but contenue to perpatrate the LIE” I see no way out but to confess. Yes, I have been paid off by the government to perpetrate its lies and quash new ideas that we are afraid of.

I’m probably going to keep doing it because the money’s pretty good, but you guys deserve to know the truth.

Here is how it all went down.

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Chapter 1: Acetyl

As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a fire mage. Coming from a family of dirt farmers, you can imagine I had a tough time of it.

“Son,” my father said to me, “every young boy has got his crazy dreams, but what you got to realize is you got to work with what you can hold. Dirt is something you can hold on to. People will always have dirt. People will always need dirt.”

“No they won’t,” I said.

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SEVEN! Seven Goth comics! Ah ah ah!

More to come hopefully.

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There is a wide range of science cop shows on TV these days, like CSI, CSI: New York, CSI: Miami, CSI: Ancient Egypt, and CSI in Space, just to name a few. Even regular cop shows like to put what I think of as “science croutons” in each week’s hour of “cop salad”, to make them look smart and high tech.

You might think you have to be smart to write a science cop show, maybe even be a scientist who understands science, but no. All you need is a real “can do” attitude and a great big smile.

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I don’t normally like to court controversy and I usually keep my political views to myself, but there I feel it’s time for me to find the courage to make a public stand about an important issue: cancer. I am against it.

I realize I am going to take a lot of heat for this courageous stance, but I’m not going to be bullied any more by the powerful pro-cancer lobby and I’m not going to be intimidated by angry tumors. For years, we have been much too soft on cancer, allowing it into our schools, our homes, and our friends and relatives.

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It’s time for the video game industry to ask itself some tough questions about the female market. Why don’t more women play video games? Is it because, due to their flawed feminine nature, they prefer to play mind games instead? While it is inarguably fun to ruin the lives of those close to you or drive men to the brink of madness, I believe women can have just as much fun manipulating and tormenting virtual humans. As females make up 50% of any given country’s population (except in China), this is a market that developers can no longer afford to ignore. It’s time to figure out why women aren’t buying games.

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